Empathy...or maybe sympathy...I Never know!

I dropped the kids at school on Friday and stayed for their Shabbat celebration that takes place each Friday morning. I walked into the gym and noticed a banner on the table up front thanking a military service person. I thought maybe someone's parent was coming home and that they were having him come today and welcome him back. Perfect. That is what I needed to see. I wanted to see someone coming home to their family so that maybe I could know that it will be our turn to experience the joy of having someone return home. I figured that it would maybe give me some hope.

Unfortunately, it was quite the opposite. The father of kids at the school was being deployed for a year. They found out just a few weeks earlier. I started to think that mayeb I could just walk out, because I knew that I was not going to be able to compose myself. But I also felt bad walking out on this familiy's moment where they were asking for love and support. Because I knew that I would soon be in those shoes and would want all the love and support we could get.

So things went on as they normaly do. Then they asked the father to come forward and they said a blessing over him. And I cried, not even able to mout the words on the sheet. And then his son's class sang "This Land is Your Land." More tears. And I felt awful about it.

I felt that I should not be crying because this was this family's experience and who was I to be sad over it. I know that it may have had to do with the fact that I was witnessing what we would be going through in a month, but still. So I asked myself why am I crying? And what I realized is that I was looking at his wife, who was also in tears and felt this emapthy for her. Usually you can feel sympathy for someone when they are hurting, although you may not have experienced what they are going through. But this was different. It was empathizing with her and knowing what she must be feeling, what she must be worried about and how scared and upset she must be. I realized that even though we live in a military town, there are a lot of people who may never experience a loved one being deployed. Hubbie hasn't left yet, but I know that the emotions we have gone through thus far are difficult and I knew that she was going through them too.

I find myself praying really hard for this family, even though we don't personally know them. I hope that she has a wonderful support system to help her and friends she can turn to. I have been so blessed in that respect and know that it will be what gets us through this mess.

So for those of you who have faced deployment or will be in the future, you may understand what I mean about emapthy. It is just one of those experiences that you cannot possibly understand until you have been through it. Please continue to pray for all our service men and women and for those who are left in waiting. Because no matter how you slice it, no matter if you are the one overseas or the one back here in the US, it is never easy to be apart from those you love.

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day :)

This was written 2 years ago (2008)...Enjoy!

So, Valentine's Day is quickly becoming one of my favorite holidays. And for many who know me, this seems pretty strange. You see, I am not a really lovey-dovey kind of gal and do not get very sentimental about things. I think I am the only girl who didn't cry at the end of Titantic ;) I am not a gushy romantic at all. But still, Valentine's day is special to me.

I can remember my college years and how every year around Valentine's Day, all the single girls would be all sad and we would have our anti-Valentine's Day parties (Miss Lauren! ;) And if you did have a significant other, there was such a big deal about where you would go, what you would do and of course what you would get each other. And being on both ends, I can honestly say I didn't enjoy any of it. And maybe that is why people always have negative things to say about it:

"You shouldn't need a special day to tell some one you love them"
"It's just a holiday created by greeting card companies and candy stores."

And while I can't say I disagree, I have started to look at this holiday in a new light and encourage others to do the same. Just like every year when Christmas roles around, we all to often forget the real meaning and just look forward to the presents and good food and festivities. And maybe the reason so many people are down on Valentine's day is because they are looking at it all worng.

After Alyssa was born, I had a really hard time. I was feeling really isolated and lonely. I found myself "just getting by" during the holidays. After the New Year I decided to get a hold of my life and get myself back on track and this meant really looking at the things that were important. With Valentine's Day approaching, I thought a lot about the people that I loved. More than just my husband and my kids, but all my family and friends who support me and love me unconditionally, even when things aretough. It made me take the opportunity to use Valentine's Day to appreciate all those who I love in my life and to thank them for loving me.

And yes, you shouldn't need a speical day to tell someone you love them, but in today's world with the crazy hours people put in at their jobs, the hustle and bustle of family life and the lack of face to face time with people because of our dependence on texting, emailing and other ways of keeping in touch with technology, I think Valentine's day gives us a perfect reason to reach out to those special people in our lives and to let them know how much we appreciate them and care about them.

So now I look forward to the holiday. I like to write personal notes, have the kids make homemade Valentine's, bake cupcakes and make truffles to share with others as a small way of showing how much I care about the special people in my life. And while that might be a lot to some, then just use this day as a time to make a phone call to a friend you haven't talked to in a while, send a card for no reason to someone having a rough time or to just have a night in with your significant other and just talk, I mean really talk to each other. Use this Valentine's Day to reconnect. To show how grateful, thankful and down right blessed you are to be loved. Life is a gift and sharing it with others is precious.

-"The luckiest man alive, is the one who has found love."

Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends and family. Your love is one of the things I value most in my life and I want to let you all know that I truly love and care about each of you! Thank you to each of you!

I used to love writing when I was younger, so I thought I'd give it a try....here is a work in progress :)


How do you say goodbye,
When goodbye is for awhile?
How do you say you’ll be okay
And give them a big smile?

How will you handle it,
Each night as you lie awake?
You’ll miss their good night kiss
And you’ll feel your heart break.

What will you tell the kids
When they ask why daddy has gone away?
Why he can’t tuck them in at night
Or go outside to play?

How do put on a brave face
When your crumbling inside?
When the day seems too hard
And you want to run and hide.

But you know you will get through it
And you’ll be stronger than before.
And before you even know it
He’ll be coming home from war.

But while your soldiers gone
In lands so far away
You can ask those you hold dear
To think of him and pray.

So if you would be so kind
to take a moment each day
And pray for the safety of this soldier
Until he’s back home to stay.

Preparing...

So I have been researching books for the kids this week. I am very lucky to have a friend who has some experience with preparing families for deployments and was able to find some really nice books. Normally, I love to buy new books for the kids. We are big on reading in this house. But, I started to think about what this will entail. How can you really prepare kids for something like this?

Lovey (our son) has started this new thing where if he feels that something is taking too long, he says, "Mom this has taken 20 minutes." For whatever reason, 20 minutes has become his amount of time that seems like forever. He asks a lot of time related questions now, like how long until his birthday or how long until Christmas. And I can give him an honest answer, but when you are 3 years old, you don't necessarily grasp the concept of how long "time" is. And even more so than Lovey, Peanut (our daughter)is even younger and doesn't necessarily understand either.

We made the decision to not tell the kids until the week before Hubbie leaves. As of now the game plan will be to sit down with them and tell them that Daddy will be going away for a long time, but that he will be back and that he loves them. We want to make sure they know that Daddy is going to be serving his country and being very brave and doing something very good. We are hoping to read the books with them and then see what they have to say. It sounds simple. But I don't even know how we will get through that process. Just thinking about that conversation makes my heart hurt. And I really have no idea what they will say. And they may ask tough questions or say something that might hurt. Or what if they are angry, or sad. What is they cry? How am I suppose to get them through it? Kids speak from the heart and you never know what they will say, so I don't really know how to prepare for this.

I worry about them. I don't want them to be sad, but know that it might happen. I know that if they cry, I will too. As a parent you just don't want your kids to have to feel these types of things. I wish I could protect them from this, but it is the reality of the situation. I am sure that 6 months is going to feel like forever to them. And it breaks my heart.

That's what I have been thinking about all weekend. We had such a nice long weekend together as a family and I am so glad for that. I told Hubbie at the park today that as much as I just try to enjoy the moments we share together as a family, I can't help but be a little sad that we will be apart. So we are just trying to live in the moment and enjoy them.

And since I have been posting all these "sad" things, I decided that I wanted to share something funny that happened. I think that this was the point when I knew it was all going to be ok. We were visiting my family over the holidays and Hubbie and I were having a conversation with my sister about how the people she works for bought her some really nice gifts for the holidays. She is a very hard worker and deserves it, but this chick got hooked up! So we were telling her how lucky she is because when we worked in the hospital, we never got a holiday bonus. And I think one year I got a lunchbox as a gift. So I asked Hubbie if the military gives them any type of holiday bonus and with out missing a beat, he said:

"Yeah. They are giving me an all expense paid trip to Afghanistan."

My sister and I sort of didn't know if we should laugh or what, but we all ended up in hysterics! I mean it was funny! So I think that getting to the point where you can make a joke like that and laugh is a good thing. I think it broke the ice with being around my family and no one knowing what to say or if we should talk about it. So there. I end on a happy note this evening ;) As always, G-d bless our troops, keep them safe until they all come home.

Well, hello there tears....

Today turned out to just fall apart. It was just a typical day, I really wasn't thinking about the deployment at all. I was thinking more about how badly I managed to kick my own ass at the gym and how my legs are hurtin' something fierce. So, good thoughts really ;) Hubbie came home and I asked how his day was and he responded with a look followed by an eye roll. "Just not really in the mood to talk about it." Got it.

I did ask if he had talked with a "higher-up" regarding his concerns about being deployed so soon after getting here. Now before we all get our panties in a bunch, this was not a talk to get him out of going. He is not that kind of guy. Hubbie just got out of fellowship in spine surgery. Now, I may not be a doctor, but operating on people's spines in hardcore. I mean you mess up and someone loses the ability to walk. And Hubbie really is pretty good at what he does according to colleagues, mentors, former bosses and such. But even though he has had people telling him he's going to be great, he is still kinda new, ya know? Five months in of flying solo isn't a lot of time. Heck, I know that nursing orientation is 3 months before they give you patients of your own. So he is just feeling a bit apprehensive that being so new and getting shipped off for a half a year with no opportunities to work on his new skills is a bit daunting. And further more, when he returns, the other spine doc will be gone and he will be taking over all spine cases. That is indeed a tall order in my eyes. So he just wanted to talk to to someone about it. That's it. Maybe get some reassurance, whatever. He just wanted to voice his concern, not get out of going. So, I asked what this "higher-up" said.

"He blew me off and said that the guys in charge don't really care."

I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I have several problems with this statement. First off, I think the fact that no one cares about the well-being of the patients when my Hubbie is saying he is a bit nervous to fill such big shoes is just sick. Unfortunately, from my experiences thus far with military health care, I can't say I am at all surprised. It just disgusts me.

But my biggest problem with that statement is that they are pretty much telling my Hubbie that they don't care about him. Now I may not be a violent person. It takes quite a bit to get me angry. But g-d have mercy on you if you manage to get me pissed. And the one thing that makes me angrier than anything is when someone hurts my family or friends.

I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. Like, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears it was so high. And am I especially angry because it's my Hubbie...absolutely! But what hurts me still is that this is a soldier and this is a military "higher up" admitting that they don't care about said soldier. It literally makes my heart hurt a little. These men and women are putting their lives on the line to protect this "great" country. And most of them do so because they feel it is their duty and an honor...and g-d bless them for it! But I have seen in these few short months how many of these soldiers are treated and it really has made me lose quite a bit of faith in the military. I just don't understand how these men and women who are protecting our freedom and keeping us safe are really not "cared" about in the way they deserve. And today when my Hubbie told me that they pretty much point blank admitted it, it made me really mad.

I went about finishing making dinner, but I was just so riled up. We sat down and said grace before dinner. I prayed for those who do wrong and that g-d will have mercy on them and that they might find ways to act in a way that would be pleasing to g-d. They always say to pray for your enemies, right?
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44
And I thought that maybe that would grant me some peace with the situation. We finished dinner, got the kids bathed and ready for bed. I was finishing up laundry and making my daughter's bed and I stopped and listened. Hubbie was sitting on the couch with them reading from this book about Greek Mythology (yes, I know, but he loves it and wants to share it with the kids :) So I stood and listened for a minute. And then the flood gates opened.

I know that I cried when we found out, but not too bad. I was home alone with the kids and didn't want to upset them. This was the first time that I literally cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I was listening to him reading to them and realized that I wouldn't get to hear that for 6 months. And it broke my heart a little.

I went into our bedroom and laid on the bed listening to him read and to the kids make comments or ask questions. And I cried.

I heard a little voice say, "Mommy." I turned and saw my daughter standing next to our bed. She climbed up and came over to me and put her head on my chest. She said, "No, no cry Mommy." Which of course only made me cry harder. This little two year old girl laid there with me for almost a half hour. She patted me with her little hand and played with my hair and just was "present." This was quite remarkable coming from a little girl who is like a tornado and to get her to just sit for any amount of time is a small miracle. But what was so nice about was just the fact that she was there with me. She is too young to understand it all, but somehow at the tender age of two, she knew that was what her mommy needed. She is a remarkable little soul, wise beyond her years for sure.

So while I may not like to cry in front of people, I figure that telling you about it is a step in the right direction to trying to let myself be more vulnerable. I promised you good or bad, I would keep on writing. Until next time, g-d bless.

Ummm...what did you just say??

So obviously when we went home over the holidays, we started to tell people that Hubbie is being deployed. While most people responded in what I consider to be an appropriate matter, I just have to say that some peoples' responses floored me...and not in a good way!! So while I may have been shocked to hear them, I can now only laugh. I am finding that laughter can be the best medicine, so we are trying to find the humor in this whole mess. So if you are ever faced with someone who is telling you a loved one is being deployed, let this be your guide to what you should say. Or more importantly, what NOT to say!

Response #1: "Wow, that is great! You must be so proud!"

Ok. First off, I am always proud of my Hubbie. He has done a lot of things that deserve me being proud. While I may be proud of him because he is serving his country, that is pretty much where it ends.

As far as it being termed "great"....yeah, I just don't even know what to say to that! Shipping a loved one to a war zone certainly doesn't seem great to me! And I guess if you think it is so "great" you should probably sign yourself up to go. PS: I hope you know that this is being written with quite a bit or sarcasm ;)

Response #2: "He's only going for six months? That is nothing!"

I completely understand that the fact his deployment is only 6 months is somewhat of a "military blessing" if you will. I know that people can be deployed for a year and a half sometimes. However, any amount of time away from loved ones is too long, don't you think? I mean I consider my Hubbie to be my total BFF. He is my soul mate and I want to be near him...maybe a few hours alone here and there are nice, but that's it. When he goes away for work stuff, he is only gone a week and I miss him terribly. I don't sleep well. I don't even like to sleep in the bed when he isn't here.

And then let's take in to account that fact that their are children involved. My son thinks 20 minutes is an unbearable amount of time, so 6 months must seem like a life time. Thankfully my Hubbie will not miss the holiday season with us, but he will miss his son's birthday, which I am sure will break his heart. And being a "single parent" when you have 2 toddlers is not an easy task. On top of that I will be running the household, doing all the house work and chores, cooking, laundry and finances solo. I would gladly allow anyone who thinks that 6 months of doing all this is "no big deal" to come and take care of my kids and run the house for me. Please, feel free. I'd be glad to have you.

And let's not forget the man involved here. I am pretty sure that 6 months in a strange foreign country where people are blowing each other up isn't exactly his idea of a vacation. He also just started operating solo this fall. With only 5 months under his belt, he is being taken away from spine surgery and will be gone from it for 6 months. And when he gets back, he will be expected to just "jump" right back in to it. Can we say STRESSFUL!! I am pretty sure that spine surgery is NOT like riding a bike! And all of this in addition to being separated from his family, friends and modern conveniences.

So am I happy it's only 6 months....you bet. Do I feel for those whose loved ones are deployed for even longer amounts of time....absolutely. But do I think that it was an appropriate comment to make...NO! So anyone who thinks that 6 months isn't that much time, needs a reality check. And then they need to fly out here to Hell Paso and work as my maid, nanny, personal assistant and "father figure."

So those were the two responses that Hubbie and I really didn't even know what to say to. We did get a lot of, "Oh my gods," "that's awful," etc. And even better, "what can I do to help," "we are here for you," and "we are praying for you." The outpouring of prayers and support we have gotten this far (and he isn't even gone yet!) has been humbling. And it will be what gets us through this. So whether you support the war or don't, back the military or not, you need to put your own feelings aside and be there for these "families in waiting." Because whether they supported the decision for their loved one to sign up or not, it is extremely trying on those who are left behind. It puts a strain on everyone involved and their relationships. And that is never much fun.

So if you ever find yourself in this situation, remember to leave your personal feeling about the war and US military out of it. Be a friend. Offer your support to those facing this...it will mean more to them than you will ever know.