Today turned out to just fall apart. It was just a typical day, I really wasn't thinking about the deployment at all. I was thinking more about how badly I managed to kick my own ass at the gym and how my legs are hurtin' something fierce. So, good thoughts really ;) Hubbie came home and I asked how his day was and he responded with a look followed by an eye roll. "Just not really in the mood to talk about it." Got it.
I did ask if he had talked with a "higher-up" regarding his concerns about being deployed so soon after getting here. Now before we all get our panties in a bunch, this was not a talk to get him out of going. He is not that kind of guy. Hubbie just got out of fellowship in spine surgery. Now, I may not be a doctor, but operating on people's spines in hardcore. I mean you mess up and someone loses the ability to walk. And Hubbie really is pretty good at what he does according to colleagues, mentors, former bosses and such. But even though he has had people telling him he's going to be great, he is still kinda new, ya know? Five months in of flying solo isn't a lot of time. Heck, I know that nursing orientation is 3 months before they give you patients of your own. So he is just feeling a bit apprehensive that being so new and getting shipped off for a half a year with no opportunities to work on his new skills is a bit daunting. And further more, when he returns, the other spine doc will be gone and he will be taking over all spine cases. That is indeed a tall order in my eyes. So he just wanted to talk to to someone about it. That's it. Maybe get some reassurance, whatever. He just wanted to voice his concern, not get out of going. So, I asked what this "higher-up" said.
"He blew me off and said that the guys in charge don't really care."
I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I have several problems with this statement. First off, I think the fact that no one cares about the well-being of the patients when my Hubbie is saying he is a bit nervous to fill such big shoes is just sick. Unfortunately, from my experiences thus far with military health care, I can't say I am at all surprised. It just disgusts me.
But my biggest problem with that statement is that they are pretty much telling my Hubbie that they don't care about him. Now I may not be a violent person. It takes quite a bit to get me angry. But g-d have mercy on you if you manage to get me pissed. And the one thing that makes me angrier than anything is when someone hurts my family or friends.
I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. Like, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears it was so high. And am I especially angry because it's my Hubbie...absolutely! But what hurts me still is that this is a soldier and this is a military "higher up" admitting that they don't care about said soldier. It literally makes my heart hurt a little. These men and women are putting their lives on the line to protect this "great" country. And most of them do so because they feel it is their duty and an honor...and g-d bless them for it! But I have seen in these few short months how many of these soldiers are treated and it really has made me lose quite a bit of faith in the military. I just don't understand how these men and women who are protecting our freedom and keeping us safe are really not "cared" about in the way they deserve. And today when my Hubbie told me that they pretty much point blank admitted it, it made me really mad.
I went about finishing making dinner, but I was just so riled up. We sat down and said grace before dinner. I prayed for those who do wrong and that g-d will have mercy on them and that they might find ways to act in a way that would be pleasing to g-d. They always say to pray for your enemies, right?
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44
And I thought that maybe that would grant me some peace with the situation. We finished dinner, got the kids bathed and ready for bed. I was finishing up laundry and making my daughter's bed and I stopped and listened. Hubbie was sitting on the couch with them reading from this book about Greek Mythology (yes, I know, but he loves it and wants to share it with the kids :) So I stood and listened for a minute. And then the flood gates opened.
I know that I cried when we found out, but not too bad. I was home alone with the kids and didn't want to upset them. This was the first time that I literally cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I was listening to him reading to them and realized that I wouldn't get to hear that for 6 months. And it broke my heart a little.
I went into our bedroom and laid on the bed listening to him read and to the kids make comments or ask questions. And I cried.
I heard a little voice say, "Mommy." I turned and saw my daughter standing next to our bed. She climbed up and came over to me and put her head on my chest. She said, "No, no cry Mommy." Which of course only made me cry harder. This little two year old girl laid there with me for almost a half hour. She patted me with her little hand and played with my hair and just was "present." This was quite remarkable coming from a little girl who is like a tornado and to get her to just sit for any amount of time is a small miracle. But what was so nice about was just the fact that she was there with me. She is too young to understand it all, but somehow at the tender age of two, she knew that was what her mommy needed. She is a remarkable little soul, wise beyond her years for sure.
So while I may not like to cry in front of people, I figure that telling you about it is a step in the right direction to trying to let myself be more vulnerable. I promised you good or bad, I would keep on writing. Until next time, g-d bless.
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Erin, I just have to say that although, I do not have any immediate family in your situation, and I can not relate to what you and your family are going through. You just brought tears to my eyes while reading this, you are right to be upset and hurt by the way that your husband is being treated, I would not wish that on anyone that is fighting for our country and esp. not you and your family. What you are up against and going to be dealing with is something that I can not fathom, but G-d does not give us what we can't handle, and as hard as it might may be I know that you will be strong and determined and courageous and you will get through this with any means necessary. Your daugher is a strong person already, and she knew that you needed her and was there, even if she does not understand. In some way many years ago we might have done the same for our parents. I have not been through what you are going through, but I have been through many challenges and obstacles, and sometimes didnt think I would be able to face the next day. But I did get through it and i am stronger because of it, and you will too. Even though we might be in totally different situations, we both are very strong, determined, and positive woman. And the most important thing is that you have a great support staff, family, and friends, and loved ones that will be willing and ready to help in anyway that they can. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I am always hear to talk if need be. G-d Bless you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same kind of frustration (although not on the same level of passion, clearly!) when I hear how my husband's bosses undervalue/devalue his opinions at work, so I can understand your despair at hearing this news from Hubby. I wonder if it's the whole military that has this attitude or this particular higher-up? I would hope (for the sake of ALL our soldiers and their families) that these are just isolated incidents, but the skeptical part of my brain fears it's more widespread than that :-/
ReplyDeleteErin,
ReplyDeleteDrew's higher-up may have been expressing his own anger with the situation. Society- at- large has become so concerned with NOT treating Soldiers like those in the Vietnam era. Yet we in the military often still treat our own inappropriately. I assure you there are many of us who do care. Especially us Non-Commisioned Officers, whose responsbility it is to put the "the needs of our Soldiers ahead of our own." That includes the needs of our Commisioned Officers. in my 17 years in the Army, I have come to know that a lot of the Army is "check- the- box," it may seem callous, but it is what we have to do. A lot of us see daily how the Army is capable of treating it's own. It is a learning experience and the more of us who experience it, the more likely we are to correct it. I know I can not know the mind of this Higher-up, but I do know that many of the Army Hospitals are understaffed across the board, and I am sure if there was anyway not to send Drew they wouldn't. Your frustration is very understandable.
Drew is good at what he does, and will truly be an asset to the Soldiers that are under his care. I would gladly let Drew "cut-me" and this is coming from a guy who is now paralysed on the right side of my face thanks to an Army Surgeon. All I can think about is those Soldiers, that will be able to come home to their families, still with the ability to walk, Be able to look at the faces of their young wifes and husbands, Hug their loved ones, all because Dr. S was there for them. It may not be any comfort now, but when he is home and in your arms, reading again to your children think of the men and women who will be able to return to their loved ones, becuase someone you love was able to be there for them and cared enough to give them his best.