How this all began...

The week before Christmas I received some devastating news. And while some have made it clear that they don't think this is all that devastating, I have decided that I am allowed to feel what I feel. I wasn't really sure how to process everything that has been going on and I thought that maybe I could find an outlet. My Hubbie has always told me that he loves my writing style and so between that and watching the movie Julie & Julia, I thought that maybe a blog would be the perfect thing to do.

So bear with me. I am sure I will need a little time to get used to this, but if you hang in there with me, I promise to try and "tell all" whether that means being funny, sarcastic, angry, sad or happy. I always try to be honest and up front, but the one area of my life that I am not always so good with that is when it comes to hard stuff. And so this begins the journey to try and improve that. 2010 is days away and we already know it is going to be a difficult year for us, but I am determined to make something out of it. So here is how my story begins....

My Hubbie is currently working as a surgeon in the army. We moved to El Paso in August, and were less than thrilled about it. Coming from the East coast and Midwest, this is just a whole new world out here. We figured maybe we could use this as a learning experience and maybe grow as individuals. We had no idea how much "experience" would be thrown our way.

We found out in the beginning of the month that due to the surge in Afghanistan, someone from my Hubbie's department was going to be deployed. They were given a list of a few people who were considered "non-essential." My Hubbie's name was on that list. After a few agonizing days, a decision was made and my Hubbie wasn't going...he wasn't even second choice. We were very cautiously optimistic. I think that we both had a feeling that we shouldn't count the chickens before that hatch, as they like to say, and thank goodness we didn't.

What makes this story even worse is that this all happened while my Hubbie was in Hawaii at a conference, by himself while we were stuck back here in "Hell Paso." I never sleep well when he is away and that night in particular had been very unsettling. I woke up in a slight panic before my alarm went off. It was just starting to get light out and I remembered getting a phone call in the middle of the night and my Hubbie telling me they changed their minds...but wait, did that really happen?? I clawed around for my cell phone and frantically checked the call log. No calls from him. I layed back knowing that what had just happened was all a bad dream. I tried o go back to sleep until it was time to wake the kids for school, but I was just really unsettled. I wanted to call him and hear his voice, but it was the middle of the night in Hawaii, so I didn't.

I went about the day, feeling very unsettled the whole time, but just telling myself that it was just a bad dream. But then why was I still unable to shake this feeling?? My phone rang that afternoon and when I saw his name, I had a sinking feeling. For whatever reason, before I even answered the phone, I knew what was going to happen. This had happened to be twice before in my life, where my phone rang and I knew it was bad news....it is a feeling that you never forget.

I answered the phone and the only response I got was my Hubbie saying my name. "Erin." That was it. He started to cry and I knew what had happened. They changed their minds....

I felt like I was going to throw up. You should know that my Hubbie signed this contract when he was 19 years old....he is now 31. There was no war and he was a young collegiate fraternity boy who was having a good time. And even more that the recruiters told him he would never have to "go" if there was a war...he would stay on American soil. How appealing to sign this contract and not have to worry about med school loans. He wasn't thinking about the fact that it would be over a decade before he would be called to make good on his promise. That he would be so successful in his endeavors that people would be ready to offer him the world if he would work for them. That he would be married and have two children. That the climate of the world would be different...that we would be at war. I wish that someone would have let him know this...."if only we knew then, what we know now."

Waiting for him to get back from Hawaii was awful. All I wanted was for him to get home so we could spend as much time together as possible. He would be leaving in 2 1/2 months, which I guess is pretty quickly. It was so hard to gauge how he was feeling just talking over the phone and I was so worried about him....so worried. How awful to get that news away from home, without your loved ones to support you, except over the phone.

The next step was just as bad....I had to start making the phone calls to our family. My mom handed the phone to my dad. She didn't know what to say. What do you say in that situation? I started to tell our close friends. It got to be sort of hard. Everyone was getting distraught, it was the holidays and everyone kept asking me how I was feeling and I didn't want to get into it. I was home alone with the kids until he got back and I was trying really hard not to lose it. So I made the decision to put it up on Facebook. I felt bad about that. But it was just what I needed to do.

The amount of support that came out of that one status update on Facebook was so humbling. It made me realize that I had all these people who were willing and ready to offer their support, prayers, and whatever else we needed. I cannot even tell you how grateful we were for that. We have amazing friends and family. We are truly blessed. So if any of you are actually reading this...thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Sometimes that is what gets us through this. Knowing that we have the love and support from those we care about. And it means everything...

So that is where we are. We made it through the holidays and tried to enjoy it. But in some ways it was the big pink elephant in the room that people were afraid to acknowledge. We knew that when we came back to El Paso, the party was over and we had a lot to prepare for. I cried when the plane touched down in ELP, because I knew that it was all about to get that much more real. Back to reality. So I will leave it at that for today. And ask that if you are reading this that you take a moment and pray for all those who are "over there" and for those who are left behind. And for all men and women who are ready and willing to serve this great nation. Because they need all the prayers they can get.